Let’s be real.
I’m going to be super honest with you all. I’m struggling. I’m overwhelmed, I’m tired, The things keep piling up. I don’t have a job: The more learn about myself, the more that I don’t like what I see; and from it sounds like Failure is the only I have at the moment.
I hate failure. As Competitive person by default, Losing has never okay with me. But over the years I have learned to live with the failure in certain areas. Areas like sports where The idea of winning the big game, the one that people would remember. In the work place when learning a new job or making sure everything gets done that needs to be done. When that doesn’t happen I feel like a bad employee because i want people to feel like they can count on me. Now that I am back in school, When I am Late, or miss a homework assignment, I feel like a bad student, like they will assume that I don’t care about being there (There was a time back in the day when that was true) and that will make them less likely to give me any kind of responsibility. But that isn’t what bothers me most.
The worst thing for me in all of this, outside of failing in the things that I do, is the thought of failing the people I care about, work with, lead, or follow. Failing people is my worst nightmare. The thought that someone might think less of me because of something I did or said cripples me. The thought that They may think less of my for my failure, makes me think less of me for my failure. Which then turns into a mind game of would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. “You could’ve done this better”, “I should’ve said this instead”, “if only”, “what was I thinking”….you get the point. After all that is done, the lies come…and I believe them. This is where I get into trouble.
Being In the leadership track, has intensified these feelings. It brings out need to perform. All I have ever wanted from anyone is there approval, even when I had nothing to prove. I’m not sure where it comes from or why I have been that way since I can remember but It needs to be addressed. But I will talk about that more in my next blog. Pray for me.
Peace and blessings.
