Not everything…not yet

Hebrews 10:23 -Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Since my last blog I have been walking through a lot of things.  Some of it is hard. Some of it is confusing.  All of it is emotional.

I have never liked emotions or emotional things, most of my life has been the typical macho-manhood-no-crying-because-it shows-weakness attitude.  I didn’t (and still kinda don’t) like to show if I’m angry or sad or anything in between.  They make me do things. They make me impulsive, irrational, and (let’s be real) slightly crazy (really crazy in some cases).  I figured this out at a very young age, that anything other than happiness and laughter, or excitement was too hard to deal with. I would distract myself, and I would escape to anywhere that wasn’t reality so I could just be happy.  Maybe it was a book, a movie, a video game (those were my favorite), anything that was better than what was going on around me.  This has been my standard operating procedure up until now, even on the race.

While I have been growing in leaps and bounds spiritually, I haven’t grown at all emotionally.  For the sake of the my example I’ll say I’m emotionally unhealthy. What does that look like?  Isn’t getting over your feelings and moving on enough? Isn’t that what adults are supposed to do?  Well, yes.  But its not that simple. There is a Connection between our spiritual maturity and our emotional health.  You can’t truly have one without the other.  You can’t just throw them out like trash (even though deep down I wish we could).

In the book “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero”  He says in the first Chapter :

“Because people are having real, and helpful, spiritual experiences in certain areas of their lives – such as worship, prayer, bible studies, and fellowship – they mistakenly believe they are doing fine, even if their relational life and interior world is not in order. This apparent ‘Progress’ then provides a spiritual reason for not doing the hard work of maturing.  They are deceived.”

… I was deceived.  This was me on my race.  Like I said, I was growing in leaps and bounds in the Spirit, but was lying to myself about how I was actually doing.  It was holding me back from feeling the fullness of the Lord, because I wasn’t giving everything to Him even though I thought I was. Just like an iceberg (which is an analogy Scazzero also uses) I was only seeing the surface.  That being said, looking back I feel the race has prepared me to be in a space to start going deeper. 

With everything I have been learning about, emotions and emotional health, on the race and here at CGA, the biggest thing that I have learned is that we need to be allowed to feel our emotions when we feel them.  I have never done this.  I have suppressed or pushed emotions aside (or eat them…I’m an emotional eater. There, I said it… no shame!) hoping they would just go away or work themselves out.  I have never truly learned to deal with them.  Things people have said to me or done to me when I was young have left a mark and I left a lot emotions untouched.

It seems like the like the last week or so has been a smorgasbord of everything from the last 16 years and i’m constantly dealing with something every. They effect me so badly It’s hard for me to hide them.  Its overwhelming and makes me feel like i’m being crushed under an incredible weight.  There have been days where I want to quit and walk away.  I’m tired of being in a constant state of pain, worry, and sadness.  Having to get up and do it again, again, and again. When does it end?  When does pain turn to joy?  When does fear turn to freedom? When does worry become peace?….When I give Him everything…

I haven’t given Christ everything…not yet.  The pieces I still hold on to are feelings that I need to feel now.  Feelings that have held me back.   Pieces of me that have no place in my life anymore.  I haven’t surrendered fully to Him.  Christ didn’t give a part of himself or most of himself. He gave it all.  And that’s what he wants from me.  That is where I want to be.  

 

Please pray for me. For endurance and perseverance through this time.  To push forward even when I don’t think I can do it.  Even when all I want to do is run as fast as I can the other direction.  Pray for courage and strength to facing the day with a spirit of hope, contentment and peace. To cling to the Lords promise.

 

Peace and Blessings.