For My Benefit Part One
Leviticus 19:2 “You shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy.”
Boundaries are a thing that I have no real experience with. Truth be told, I have never wanted anything to do with them. The word itself makes me feel trapped and restricted preventing me from being me and doing what I want when I want however I want. Naturally whenever anybody talks about boundaries and what that looks like I automatically think, “That’s good for everybody else. They don’t apply to me. I don’t need them.” This is not to say they aren’t needed or that they don’t have any value. I am learning the hard way just how important they are.
Most of the relationships I have been in have had boundaries in some way, shape or form. That being said, they have always been pushed and, in many cases, utterly ignored. Looking back I wonder why they were even there in the first place. We try to stay within our boundaries knowing full well what will happen if we don’t. But then we would be overcome by the desires of our flesh and before we knew it we had crossed a line we never meant to. It was the same story over and over again. Boundaries would be set, they would be pushed or crossed, then we repent and ask forgiveness, and then we vow never to cross them again. Wash, rinse, repeat. As often as it happened I never saw or felt any repercussions for my actions in the relationships. Which, in turn, gave me the “why bother?” mind set.
Recently, this pattern has been costly. My relationship with someone I care about deeply has taken a very hard turn. Without going into to much detail, I lead this person on. I was very unsure of how I felt and very unsure of what I wanted. Because of this, I was very “wishy-washy” with my words and actions. Nothing I said or did added up and caused a lot of confusion, pain, and many wounds.
We talked about boundaries and what they should be, but that was all it was…talk. There was no follow-through. There was no commitment. If I am honest with myself I knew that they were needed. I knew that they would have helped the situation. But I wasn’t willing to trade the unhealthy space for healthy space. That would have been too difficult. I wanted to hold on to the affection and validation that made me feel loved and cared for. I wanted to do what felt good and easy instead of what was right.
In the wake of it all I find myself with more boundaries than I have ever had…and It’s hard. Not because I want them but because I need them. They are there for a reason. Not to for inconvenience or spite but for my benefit. It is within these boundaries that I will grow and mature. I will go into that in my next blog.
Peace and blessings
