Sometimes I think I am crazy…
What have have I gotten myself into? I am in way over my head. How is this even possible? Why did I even agree to this? Do you realize what you’re asking me to do? What if no cares? Do I have what it takes? This is insane! Where do I start? Is this what I really want? Is this what you really want?
These are the thoughts that have been running through head lately. Day and night they cycle through like a song on repeat. I ask myself often “Will they ever stop?” Some days it feels like the volume is on full blast, and it’s all I can think about causing me to feel a sense of panic and anxiety which then leads to fear. Other days they sink to the back of mind only to resurface every so often to remind me they are still there wrecking any sense of peace I have in that moment. It’s irritating, honestly. The constant battle for my peace of mind is tiring and seemingly up hill (both ways no less!).
If this is what is happening inside of me in the face of a radical choice to answer a calling of the Lord or pursue a larger than life dream He’s given me, I can only imagine what it must look like for others from the outside looking in. What are you getting yourself in? You are in way over your head. How is that even possible? Do you realize you are being asked to do? What if you fail? This is insane! Where do you start? Is this what you really want? Is this what God really wants?
As you just read, the questions in my head and the questions in the minds of others are pretty similar. I, of course, have no idea if this is true with any kind of certainty (although, I imagine it’s fairly close). What I am certain of is that we are all looking for a sense of security and assurance of the future. We all, on some level, want to know that we are going to be taken care of in whatever we do and wherever we go. Many times when we sense His leading to do something it feels more like stumbling around in the dark unable to see the hand in front of your face or maybe, more accurately, we feel literally blind. If we can’t know it or see it then we can’t prepare for it and if we can’t prepare for it means we can’t control it. We become paralyzed by fear because we can’t control what’s going to happen and we ultimately waste time trying to figure it out.
What if we spend less time trying to know our future and more time trying to know Him who promised us our future?
When we enter in a relationship with Jesus we learn the Father’s heart for us. We begin to understand how deep His love runs for His children. To know that He cares for us, that He wants what’s best for us, and that He is better than any future we could ever want or predict is where we find true peace and rest. Our faith and trust should be built on who He is not on what we want or think He can do for us and knowing the Father is far more important than any knowledge of the future because He is the reason we have one in the first place.
I am presently facing a choice to trust the Lord in His leading in my life even though it doesn’t make sense and I don’t understand why it’s happening now. I can’t see all the pieces and I don’t know what to prepare for if anything at all. Please pray for me. That I would focus on who God is rather than where He is taking me. For the peace of knowing Him to be abundant and ever present. I will reveal more in the days to follow. Thanks for reading.
Peace and blessings.
